It got burnt - Tue, 7 Sep 2004 02:20:28

The following is burnt. - marc
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"There must be somewhere out of heresaid the Joker to the Thief -

There is just too much confusioncan't get no relief"

I'm wondering and thinking and wondering and thinking -
It's trying too hard - not enough?
I'm wondering and thinking and wondering and thinking -
feeling shaky - and trying to put the pieces into
the pieces - trying to imagine - where the boundaries
really are? Thinking I must be beyond a boundary or
too close to a boundary - or in the way of a boundary
being made?
And I think yes - it makes some sense -
but it's hard -
You think you can find some way - some time -
some form - some distance - some perspective -
You think you can see the image or imagine
the thoughts or the feelings or the what?
You have to ask what - what - becomes why
and why is never easy at all.
So I guess - what I come up with is
tenderness and resources. Distraction -
destruction - hope?
Sometimes the pain seems to ring you in.
Suprises you - sneaks up. Because - I'm looking
for puzzle pieces - and they're telling me, No.
I'm looking for the shape of the reflections.
Thinking there might be some heat in the tinders,
the burnt down coals ( like magic somehow?? )
I get back to it. Working it through - trying
hard - wondering if there is flesh on the bone
or bone on the flesh.
But I believe in a tone - I've been to the
bottom of the abyss before - or did I only
imagine a bottom.
And I think I know about the light - but
you know I really didn't know - and it's
so funny how a tiny angle can set you off
so far. A misapprehension.
So now I can see this - The fine line -
the truth - the wrecking ball.
But I believe this now - because I must -
that somehow - somewhere down the line -
I can see the joy - that so great a beauty
must finally bring - But the joy and the pain
are so firmly mixed. But the truth is there
and I must be certain of that. But it
is searing and it boils away the flesh -
So you can rest in a moment - maybe forgetting.
You cannot have this razor edge and not feel
some pain. And if you choose you can set that
aside, but it is never finally gone.
So I can apologize and wish it had never
happened - how absurd to think a thought like
that - but funny in a bent kind of way -
To imagine that - I could have gone left -
or could have gone right - or shot through
the heart.
No it always had to happen - and it always
had to happen just as this is spoken -
There were never any real choices - I can imagine.
The only choices were perhaps when or where - or
maybe for how long - but that doesn't mean all
that much.
But what of the future?????????
No I'm really not sure now - It's so hard for
me to feel and that's all that will give that
direction. It's so hard for me to know now -
But in the long and the tall and the short -
seeing everything from a thousand angles
a thousand views - seeing everything crushed
up and remelted and feeling the horror - and
wanting to stand away when you're being sucked
inside -
It can only be about tenderness - that's
brushed aside by the burning gails.
A smile, a laugh and it is gone.