I guess

I guess it might help for you to
understand - a little of what it is that is
so difficult for me right now -

You understand that for me - your
mother was the defining moment in
my life - even though I was not
alway conscious of it - it is very
clear to me it was what made me
who am I.

For a long time I could distinguish
in my feelings between the two of
you - I had different emotions -

I'm sure it was fate or destiny or
- whatever - but today I can not
seperate those feelings - so you
understand that I have those some
feelings now for you that I had for
your mother - and it is bigger than
I am - way, way bigger.
And I was never in control then and
I'm not in control now.
Age and experience and time
hasn't changed that.

You know I never wanted this to
happen - I thought - well, you can
imagine those pleasant
thoughts - that I could float the
boat - the sun would shine, ect.
We could just be "friends".


That's gone. So these emotions
are just simply bigger than I am -
and I don't know what to do with
it. Forgetting would be a plan -
but it's really hard to forget almost
all of your life.

But my life was in a fragile place
anyway - and now it's in a shattered
place.

I maintain some self control - in the
sense that I know your happiness
is important to me and so I can
be detached in a sense. It is
a little lever. So I'm motivated to maintain
some distance.

You've done so much for me
and you have to believe that
I never expected or planned for
this to happen. Looking back
I can see just how stupid that
was - but I thought it was okay
and things would work out.

This is where the idea or reality of
God all fits in because - It's hard
to think about this as just plain
bad luck.

I can't really ask you for your help
because - it's really not fair since
you do have your own life -

But I think you can understand why
I believe that I need it.

You know the story - a little boat
and a huge sea and not knowing
where to go.

I can say the "l" word (love) - but it's more
than that. But mainly I just feel
sorry and pathetic and out of control.

I have to be at least this self indulgent
to express myself. I can say I'm sorry
a million times - and I know it doesn't
make it right - but I am really broken.

You know it hasn't been all bad -
I just wish I had seen it coming.

You must understand now that -
it's hard for me to initiate contact
with you - in the sense of calling
or saying how about let's do this.

I feel like what has happened was
meant to happen - I just want to
believe in some kind of future.

Simply and totally I don't know what to do.
You must decide when and if it becomes
clear to you.